


You Look Happier, You Do

by Faustess



Series: No Good to Go Alone [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Tony Stark Friendship, Bucky Barnes Goes to Therapy, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Friendship, Gen, Not A Fix-It, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychobabble, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has Issues, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-16 23:40:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16504985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faustess/pseuds/Faustess
Summary: Steveknowsthe Soldier's only pretending to be Bucky and it's breaking Steve's heart.  Steve's point-of-view on the Soldier's return and recovery.These are ending a collection of episodes, rather than chapters. They're roughly chronological (if they're not, I'll try to make that clear).





	You Look Happier, You Do

Steve had somehow been under the impression that once the Winter Soldier’s trigger words had been removed, that the ex-assassin would be closer to the Bucky he’d grown up with. In retrospect, he couldn’t say _why_ he had thought that, since it didn’t really make any sense. Maybe he’d just been trying to make sense out of a situation that was simply incomprehensible.

At any rate, it hadn’t taken long to realize that the trigger words losing their influence over Bucky didn’t mean the Winter Soldier was gone. _Not by a long shot._ Bucky’s first therapist had tried to have them do joint sessions periodically to help gauge Bucky’s recall and to see how well his synapses were healing.

Based on these sessions, Steve _knew_ that there was a lot that Bucky remembered about his life before the War. The problem was they didn’t seem to _mean_ anything to him. At least not the way they meant something to Steve.

At some point between that therapist and his current therapist, Bucky…, well… if Steve was being honest, the _Soldier_ started to take on aspects of Bucky’s personality. Almost like he was trying them on.

As soon as Steve noticed the Winter Soldier start pretending to be Bucky, he tried to bring up the subject with _therapist 3_? – he was pretty sure it was the third one – but the guy hadn’t wanted anything to do with Steve. No, Therapist 3 had planned to build his career around ‘curing’ the Winter Soldier. Therapist 3 had lasted for a session and a half with the Soldier before leaving, citing ‘personality conflicts’ as his reason. Steve suspected that Therapist 3 couldn’t bear the Soldier’s silence and icy glare.

The whole team finally lucked out with Therapist 4, Dr. Rebecca Kaplan. She was familiar with enhanced individuals and had experience assisting brainwashed individuals recover from their trauma and return to the world. Kaplan freely admitted most of that experience came from kidnappings and cult activities, but in their first meeting, she addressed Bucky – not Steve – even though Bucky silently glared at her through the whole interview. Later, during their regular sessions, Dr. Kaplan allowed Bucky the freedom to make the decisions involving his treatment plans – offering suggestions for approaches they could try and then letting him decide which they’d try first.

By this time, Bucky – Steve couldn’t help but think of him as Bucky – had started switching to the ‘Bucky’ persona almost the whole time he was around Steve. On the one hand, it was _almost_ like having his old friend back, but the truth was, that Bucky was gone.

He’d tried to broach the subject with Bucky one day when they were alone in the common space’s kitchen. Hesitantly, Steve said, “Hey Buck, you know you don’t have to pretend around me, right?”

Bucky had looked up from what he was doing, pretending not to have heard him, “You say something?”

“I wish you’d stop pretending, Buck.”

Bucky replied with a teasing smirk that Steve knew so well from their pre-war days, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. The flat, steely blue-grey eyes of the Soldier watched Steve as Bucky replied, “Careful what you wish for Stevie.”

While that wasn’t exactly a threat, the next day, Steve asked Dr. Kaplan about Bucky’s strange behavior and she got Bucky’s written permission to speak to Steve.

The gist of what Dr. Kaplan had told Steve was that during the _decades_ Bucky spent as HYDRA’s Asset, he’d been punished whenever he showed any emotion. Surviving as the Winter Soldier meant not revealing any trace of what he thought or felt, no matter how minute. Over time, the tactic became second nature to him. The problem was, now that Bucky was free, he was expected to show emotion all the time, to a greater or lesser extent.

“Mr. Barnes feels things very deeply, but he’s still figuring out what to _do_ with those emotions,” Kaplan had explained. “He remembers your friendship growing up, and I think he’s using those memories as kind of a template to…” she searched for the right words, “To try them out again with a barrier between the core of his ego and the world.” Seeing Steve’s confusion, she tried to clarify, “If Mr. Barnes makes a mistake or people don’t react the way he thinks they will, he can rationalize it as them reacting poorly to the mask, rather than himself.”

“So, he’s pretending to be the old Bucky…” Steve swallowed the lump in his throat, “Because he thinks he’s going to be punished for laughing or something? And he’s trying to protect himself?” Steve didn’t like the way his voice rose almost to a squeak at the end, but he was trying hard to stay calm.

“Rather severely punished from his file and what he’s told me in confidence.” Dr. Kaplan handed Steve a box of tissues, “I can understand it might be somewhat disconcerting for you, but I’m almost positive he’ll give up the mask when he feels like he doesn’t need it anymore.”

“When do you think that’ll be?” Steve asked, taking the box, though he wasn’t crying.

Kaplan answered simply, “When he feels safe.”

Steve’s mouth twisted and he bit the inside of his cheek. He nodded, blinking back tears, and swallowed. “Thank you. For everything.”

“I’d be glad to set up some sessions for you also, Captain. This can’t be easy for you,” she said gently.

That day, he’d promised to think about it, but as the weeks stretched to months and the only change that Steve could see in Bucky’s behavior was that he got better and better at the act, Steve finally took Dr. Kaplan up on her invitation.

Steve had needed to explain the situation to some of the team since they had noticed right away that ‘Bucky’ was kind of _off_ sometimes. Other times, though, the imitation was so nearly perfect that Steve almost forgot it was just an act – and it killed him a little each time he realized the mask for what it was again. In Steve’s heart, Bucky died a thousand little deaths every week. It tore Steve apart.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

The only person Steve hadn’t told was Tony. Tony had been angry with Steve and Bucky from the moment they’d walked in together. He was pretty sure Tony’s anger stemmed from the footage of the Winter Soldier killing Tony’s parents. Tony had every right to be angry.

Unfortunately, though, there wasn’t a better facility for Bucky anywhere else in the world with the right combination of freedom and surveillance. The Compound had the best physical security precautions, too. Besides, a small voice inside Steve had asked, where else would he go but… _home_?

Steve had tried to talk to Tony a couple of times, but it hadn’t worked out very well. Probably his own fault, since he felt so wrung out and tired all the time. So most of his conversations with Tony were by text – even if they were sitting close enough to talk.

Sometimes, Steve thought he should just try to bring up the elder Starks’ murders again anyway – even if it was through text messages, but… he just never did. He could handle Tony’s anger from a distance, but it would just be too much to handle if they both acknowledged it and brought the Stark murders into the open.

Now the flimsy emotional walls Steve had built for himself had been thoroughly bulldozed. Somehow, Tony had befriended the Soldier. Or the Soldier had befriended Tony. They just seemed to… accept each other. All the plans that Steve had tried to make – ways to introduce them to each other, to reduce suspicion, to prove their worth to one another – proved unnecessary. They’d gone on without him. He’d waited too long. Again.

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who were wondering where Steve was coming from or wondered how a team of skilled spies could overlook something like the Soldier's pretending to be Bucky? I hope this helps. :) Of course they know... they're just ignoring it, which doesn't really help him feel any better about his situation, but that is what brings him to Tony... so things are working out? ish?? :D
> 
> Anyway, thank you VERY much to @DreadPirateWombat for their awesome and powerful beta skills. I'm still working on the other half of what was once a longer chapter. You were right. You were right. You were right. I hope this meets with your approval! :D
> 
> As always, thanks to all of you who read and comment! :> I've got some ideas of where the other episodes might go (maybe we'll see more of VentCrawler!Clint??), but any suggestions or clarifications you'd like to see, I'm open to hear them! :D (Forgive me for being so wordy!)


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